Name That American TV Show Knock-Off

This blog post is brought to you by the word телевизор (tee-lee-VEE-zer), meaning “television.”

If you’ve never had the luck to watch Russian TV, consider yourself deprived. Unless a major motion picture, all precuts of the Russian Hollywood look almost as if I could film them with a decently priced camera from Radio Shack. Similarly, the acting, soundtrack and plots to regular television are of such B-movie quality that you really end up watching it to laugh. Some shows have a bigger budget, and can hire better actors and buy higher-quality equipment. However, compared to any cheesy show you find in America, Russian TV is not quite up to par.

Nevertheless, I’m a big fan of watching Russian serials, as they are entertaining and help me with my comprehension. My absolute favorite show is called “Возврeшение Мухтара-2,” which is a police procedural show set in Moscow (the only thing I have against it) and featuring a German Shepherd militsia dog. The show’s main cast (two male detectives, the dog and their female commander) solve nefarious crimes, like theft, forgery and the occasional kidnapping. I can’t really tell you why I like the show, other than the fact that the dog is cute and the main character, Maksim, is very likeable. The crimes are pretty lame for a police show, and whatever drama there is usually sizzles into nothingness almost immediately. There isn’t even romantic tension between Maksim and his commander. Basically, it fails as an American police procedural. But it wins at being a Russian show, and this is why:

THINGS I’VE NOTICED ABOUT RUSSIAN SHOWS:

• Almost all of them involve the miltsia/police in some capacity, and they are always the good guys.
• Whatever violence may happen on the show is nothing compared to what you find in G-rated movies. (Slight exaggeration.)
• The good guys always win.
• The bad guys are really dumb. If they are not, the good guys are always more clever.
• There is no cursing.
• There is little to no sexual tension, and affairs and such are subtly alluded to.
• Almost all TV shows are shot on location in either Moscow or Piter, rather than in a studio. (Earlier in the semester, I walked down the Fantanka River and saw people shooting a movie. I had to step over cables to get home.)

Aside from quality “original dramas,” Russia has a lot of American knock offs. There is a Russian version of “How I Met Your Mother,” “Dancing with the Stars” (not including a version of this plausibly translated as Figure Skating with the Stars) and, my personal favorite, Закон и Порядок. Don’t read Cyrillic? You don’t need to: (Be sure to watch the opening credits.)

Do you still wonder why I’ve been enjoying myself here?

Before you start thinking that Russia’s Hollywood is full of a bunch of copycats, I’d like to tell you about a show called Большая Разница. It’s a half-improv, half-sketch comedy show on which different contestants try to make the judges and audience laugh. If they do, they can complete their routine in peace. If they can’t, the judges each have a lever that tilts the back of the stage up, setting the would-be comedian off-balance. The performer has three chances to prove himself before the stage tilts at such an angle that he tumbles off onto the pillows of shame.

Another purely Russian show is one do not understand why my host mom likes to watch. It’s called Давай поженимся, which means “Let’s get married.” It’s like the Dating Game and the Bachelor rolled into one. An eligible man hangs out on stage with two friends and a panel of presumed marriage experts while three women submit themselves, individually, to a live interview with the very unfriendly panel. The man and women don’t really speak to each other. After the interrogation, the woman has to present a surprise for the man – usually something demonstrating her talents, like a song, or a sample of her cooking. Then the man decides who he will marry, if any of the three. The panel supposedly acts as a matchmaker or advisor for the guy, but in my opinion, its purpose is more to grill the potential wife about why her last marriage ended in divorce and whether it was her fault. My host mom once asked me if I could determine my marriage fate like those women do on the show, and I said “heck no.” She agreed, but she still likes to watch it. To me, it’s a bit degrading, since the women on the show are desperately prostituting themselves on national television, hoping to marry some random guy they never met before the show. At least the Bachelor gives the parties involved a reasonable amount of time to get to know each other and decide to get married. Давай поженимся is basically like speed dating, but with a wedding ring after the rounds end.

Overall, Russian TV just doesn't have the drama that American TV does, but what they do have is pretty entertaining. But don't get me started on their dubbing work...